A Modest Proposal to Upgrade East Coast Beach Towns

by Fayeruz Regan 08.2023

Have you ever noticed that East Coast beach towns offer the same formula? I’m not talking about the extremes like tropical Miami or quaint Nantucket, but the beach towns in between. Each summer, Richmonders flock to mid-Atlantic shores, such as the Outer Banks. No one can deny the beach town formula:

• Mini golf 

• Pancake House

• Surf shop

• Seafood restaurant

• Ice cream parlour

Sometimes, a beach town will be ambitious and throw in a small movie theater run by awkward teenagers. They save the sassier teens for the ice cream shops. I enjoy these classic offerings, but someone needs to shake things up a bit.  

Below is a modest proposal for a few beach town upgrades. 

Get Lazy

The ocean may be healing, but sometimes it’s a bit much. Seagulls nosedive into our bags if we so much as look toward the sea. Riptides rip, jellyfish sting, and the sand will burn the skin off your feet.  Build a lazy river superhighway, where you can float in a loop, hopping off for burritos or a restroom break (one would hope). No one gets hot, and all the floaties are flamingoes.

Save the Salty Shacks!

I love those 1970s beach houses with wood paneling. They’re a cave-like retreat from the sun. They rattle when thunderstorms roll through, but it adds a romantic terror to the experience. Sure, there’s a faint smell of mildew, but bizarre knickknacks and old family albums more than make up for it. Fact: the more you drink, the more you get sucked into the lives of the strangers in these photo albums. Whenever one of these time capsules gets razed, a bland McMansion takes its place. Built lot-line-to-lot-line, each generation vies for a greedier view of the sea. 

Zsa Zsa the Beach, Darling

No journey is as treacherous as the walk back to your beach house. No luxury invention or lightweight metal is going to take the hurt out of carrying beach chairs, umbrellas, and coolers. For ten bucks, you can reserve a lounge chair all day long on the Greek islands. In return, oceanfront restaurants will wait on you, serving ice-blended cocktails and guarding your things as you frolic in the Aegean Sea. And when it’s time to go, the most you’ll take with you is a beach bag. Every public beach should have a full service option. Come on, America. 

Culture Vultures

Though the movie theater is my house of worship, beachgoers need more options on rainy days. They are starved for cultural offerings. Case in point: I’ve driven through Death Valley multiple times, but would always stop in Baker to gaze at the world’s tallest thermometer. Perhaps I stopped because there was nothing else for miles around. People aren’t picky. The cultural offerings can be kooky, like the world’s largest seashell wind chime, or entertaining, like sand sculpture contests, lit up at night like fine art.

I’ll end this with good news. I’ve listed a few nearby beaches that offer incredible cultural experiences.

The Virginia Aquarium in Virginia Beach is impressive and educational. You can touch the stingrays and walk through a long glass hallway, as fish and sharks swim past along an aquatic superhighway. www.virginiaaquarium.com

Cape Charles is a quaint town on the tip of Virginia’s Eastern Shore, and boasts a collection of galleries, the Cape Charles Museum, and one of the highest concentrations of turn-of-the-century buildings on the National Register of Historic Places. https://www.capecharles.org/

On Hatteras Island, Frisco Native American Museum features thousands of artifacts, and has a nature center with hiking trails. www.nativeamericanmuseum.org

Cape May is hailed as America’s oldest seaside resort, with whalers and fishermen arriving as early as the 1600s. Lined with antique stores and Victorian mansions, some of which you can tour (like the “haunted” Emlen Physick Estate), it’s easy to see why the town was designated a National Historic landmark in 1976.  https://www.capemay.com/

The Chesapeake Maritime museum in St. Michael’s, Maryland offers over 80,000 artifacts, and sits right on the water. This posh enclave was the shooting location for the Wedding Crashers film, and the stately homes and quaint shops will not disappoint. https://cbmm.org/

Five hundred years ago, colonial Spanish mustangs were brought to our shores by explorers. Their wild descendants wander around Corolla in the Currituck Outer Banks. A guided tour will allow you within 50 feet of them – the legal limit.  https://www.visitcurrituck.com/things-to-do/wild-horses/